Mid life crisis, stress, insecurity, job satisfaction issues, boring work etc etc etc.... a lot of things to add to the list of excuses. And I am constantly running away from or towards something and I do not know what that something is.
As a kid, in my village, I used to look at the line of horizon at evening and run through the fields to reach that line and get over it into the sky. I knew for sure that the sky and earth meets at the horizon and it was so logical that once I reach that line, I will get into the sky. But alas, I could never reach that line, the longer i ran the farther it appeared and then with the setting sun the horizon vanished. But not my hope to reach the horizon and I tried the next day. I grew up, my beliefs changed and what seemed so logical started looking as a silly thought.
Now after so many years, when I look back what I find is the same pattern of logic, belief, curiosity, passion to achieve and then realizing that was a silly thought and shying away from it; kept repeating itself. It was iterative and with each iteration the magnitude grew. In the current iteration, I see the magnitude has grown so much that the realization of it being a silly thought will break me.
This belief is a big bubble of wishes, plans, desires, feelings, emotions, fear, hatred, anger and all the other worldly things with a lot of strings attached and interwoven in a way that makes it the most complicated thing on the earth. And I am being buried under the load of so much burden and even more PERCEIVED burden. All this is MAYA. Whether it is the the atom or our universe, we believe there is an axis and everything revolves around it. And this very belief makes us believe that our life too is like the universe with us being the axis. We start believing nothing is possible without us and everything starts with us and ends at us. We all know, whoever is born has to die and noone know who will die when BUT still we never see the world without us.
This wrong belief starts piling up the mountain of perceived burdens on us and we start living the life of a donkey thinking we are the Atlas. And then we do not live our lives, we live the life of Atlas. We forget who we are and keep blowing up the magnitude of perceived burden. Keep growing the "I". Enthusiasm, passion, emotion, love all start getting killed and we become so logical that we can never be wrong. There is no place of all the illogical things we start looking for a name, a reason, a relationship, a what and most importantly WHY behind everything that we do and everything that happens to us. There cant be a thing that emotion can bring to you there has to be a reason. You cant love someone because you love him/her, you must have a motive behind it. You do not do something because you want to do it, you do it because it is your responsibility to do it. You do not do something that your heart wants to do, you do, what your brain says is the right thing to do.
Being legal is more important than being human, being ethical is more important that being true to your heart, Being respectable is more important than being lovable. If you do something without thinking, just because you love to do it, either you are insane or you must have some hidden agenda. Now our life is like a computer program, designed, organized, planned, modularized, object oriented, tuned for performance and highly SEMANTICAL. If any of these is missing in your life, you have a problem, you have a defect in you, it can be a small syntactical or a need for complete redesign or you did not learn the concept of Object Orientation. And remember, even a small syntactical error, as small as a missing ";" in your life, where you were supposed to take a pause, can bring your system crashing down.
I think, I have reached the next phase of life, where all these things have started feeling like silly things. Looks like I have grown up again but unfortunately, I have grown up again to believe in the horizon, and this is again the same vicious cycle of axis and things revolving around the axis. Will I repeat the same mistakes, and what was the mistake, believing in the horizon or knowing it is not true? And now that I know it is not true and I am believing in it - will the world call it a Sin? I am on my way of committing Sins, on the way to live and love, to do things I want to do and NOT what I am supposed to do, to live my wishes and not my responsibilities.
Well, I had a small question - Can my sin be forgiven?
As a kid, in my village, I used to look at the line of horizon at evening and run through the fields to reach that line and get over it into the sky. I knew for sure that the sky and earth meets at the horizon and it was so logical that once I reach that line, I will get into the sky. But alas, I could never reach that line, the longer i ran the farther it appeared and then with the setting sun the horizon vanished. But not my hope to reach the horizon and I tried the next day. I grew up, my beliefs changed and what seemed so logical started looking as a silly thought.
Now after so many years, when I look back what I find is the same pattern of logic, belief, curiosity, passion to achieve and then realizing that was a silly thought and shying away from it; kept repeating itself. It was iterative and with each iteration the magnitude grew. In the current iteration, I see the magnitude has grown so much that the realization of it being a silly thought will break me.
This belief is a big bubble of wishes, plans, desires, feelings, emotions, fear, hatred, anger and all the other worldly things with a lot of strings attached and interwoven in a way that makes it the most complicated thing on the earth. And I am being buried under the load of so much burden and even more PERCEIVED burden. All this is MAYA. Whether it is the the atom or our universe, we believe there is an axis and everything revolves around it. And this very belief makes us believe that our life too is like the universe with us being the axis. We start believing nothing is possible without us and everything starts with us and ends at us. We all know, whoever is born has to die and noone know who will die when BUT still we never see the world without us.
This wrong belief starts piling up the mountain of perceived burdens on us and we start living the life of a donkey thinking we are the Atlas. And then we do not live our lives, we live the life of Atlas. We forget who we are and keep blowing up the magnitude of perceived burden. Keep growing the "I". Enthusiasm, passion, emotion, love all start getting killed and we become so logical that we can never be wrong. There is no place of all the illogical things we start looking for a name, a reason, a relationship, a what and most importantly WHY behind everything that we do and everything that happens to us. There cant be a thing that emotion can bring to you there has to be a reason. You cant love someone because you love him/her, you must have a motive behind it. You do not do something because you want to do it, you do it because it is your responsibility to do it. You do not do something that your heart wants to do, you do, what your brain says is the right thing to do.
Being legal is more important than being human, being ethical is more important that being true to your heart, Being respectable is more important than being lovable. If you do something without thinking, just because you love to do it, either you are insane or you must have some hidden agenda. Now our life is like a computer program, designed, organized, planned, modularized, object oriented, tuned for performance and highly SEMANTICAL. If any of these is missing in your life, you have a problem, you have a defect in you, it can be a small syntactical or a need for complete redesign or you did not learn the concept of Object Orientation. And remember, even a small syntactical error, as small as a missing ";" in your life, where you were supposed to take a pause, can bring your system crashing down.
I think, I have reached the next phase of life, where all these things have started feeling like silly things. Looks like I have grown up again but unfortunately, I have grown up again to believe in the horizon, and this is again the same vicious cycle of axis and things revolving around the axis. Will I repeat the same mistakes, and what was the mistake, believing in the horizon or knowing it is not true? And now that I know it is not true and I am believing in it - will the world call it a Sin? I am on my way of committing Sins, on the way to live and love, to do things I want to do and NOT what I am supposed to do, to live my wishes and not my responsibilities.
Well, I had a small question - Can my sin be forgiven?
No comments:
Post a Comment